01.17.10

Why do dreams begin and end when I step into my car. When lock the gate. When I close the door in my room and take all the change, my wallet, phone, lighter, and cigarettes. When I brush my teeth and wash my face. I think its the ambition. The want superseeding the need. This hunger has me questioning everything and everyone. Worth. Use. Meaning. Intention. For some, the truth is at the bottom of the bottle. I find truth in your eyes. And through these lenses, this mirror, I am able to see where I've been and where I'm going to go. It's when you close your eyes I am lost.

01.13.10

Not all is lost. But this void that I feel and hold seems uncontainable. As I constantly stare into the open sky, I feel incomplete. As if days are wasted away and the potiential I hold is diminishing. This excess of emotion spills onto and absorbed by meaningless and minute pleasures. This inconsistency of goals and accomplishments constantly outweighs one another. And as I continue to speculate, I believe that I am in search of a medium, and when I say medium I mean significant other, I stubbornly and adamantly hold myself back intentionally awaiting her to awaken the slumbering dragon. Because of this stupid and simplistic reasoning I leave myself waiting as I bleed internally from wounds that I assume she can either subside or heal. And trust me when I say, this is always a hot topic when I find myself driving home in any state of mind.

12.20.09

i do believe in karma and i will do unto others as i believe it so in my heart. i am as blunt as it gets. ask around. i do hurt too but i have learned not to expect or wait. things will come as they do. things will happen as they were meant. things will happen for a reason and their attached meanings divulged always within good time. so i stand. i fear nothing, no one, no light, no darkness will hold me. with this given power, i will use it to help all that i can as i realize that i am limited to the rules and boundaries of others. always in time of crises i remember to bring my peacemaker.

12.12.09

so far everything has been going well. i have come to cope with the things i've done and the things i am currently trying to have a handle or grip on. my friends have always been there to comfort me and at time i consciously deny the people who care the most a voice in my life. i feel that i have taken many things for granted and that i need to find a solid foundation for the upcoming goals in my life.

i am grateful. i am blessed. or so i try to tell myself everydays.

11.09.09

Nothing to me seems to be sufficient and maybe nothing that I will ever do will quench these pangs of meaninglessness. Not to say I am not blessed to have food to eat, clothes to wear, and a roof over my head but this vacuuming abyss eats at my everyday until I fall to sleep in question and unescapable doubt that I will one day attain meaning.

I find happiness in random, spontaneous, compulsive moments that I wish and dream into action. I do not find enjoyment in rules, regulation, norms, conformity, and anything and everything that has to do with restriction. I know that is why I find alcohol so enticing. Motivational factors for drinking for me are not necessarily the absence of inhibitions but the implications it brings for the friends around me who can not portray their inner-most desires.

I can also face the facts of my selfishness. YES! Behind this face of boyish-good-looking charms is a man of split personalities. For someone who was so susceptible to peer-pressure, people-pleasing, and door-matting I made it a mission to only satisfy me, myself, and I. This conquest of greed has not only left a foul taste in the mouths of many friends but a haunting sense of hesitation when a mention of my name floated aimlessly in conversation. I am constantly making a mends with friends but most importantly settling a bad case of trust and mistrust within my subconscious. I hope that I can find trust in others that I so foolishly gave away as a party favor.